Thursday, January 9, 2014

An Adventure

While walking along the pier, I was strangely overcome with a desire to peer around the water. I soon spotted five or six people dressed as police. I watched as they combed the surroundings for evidence, called back to home base, showed me their badges, and told me to "back away from the surroundings." After a while of this, it dawned on me that these people weren't just dressed up as police. At least three of them were police!

I decided that I would heed their advice of "stepping the fuck back" after none of them would give me an autograph (talk about stuck up!!!). I then overheard one saying, "looks like we got a floater." Ew, gross, I thought. That's terrible. Who would do such a thing? However, it soon became clear that they were actually just talking about a body. What a relief!

I started to get hungry and asked if anyone had a sandwich. "We've got bigger fish to fry," they told me. That sounded pretty good so I decided to stick around but as it turns out, "fish" is just code for "dead body" and "fry" is just code for I don't know what.

Tuesday, January 7, 2014

Close Call

Just after I was put under for my surgery, I had a vision of a glowing, pure white light. At the end of the light, I heard angelic singing and the sounds of family members saying things like, "Don't worry" and "It's your time." If my instincts were right, I knew I had to get the hell out there as soon as possible.

Friday, January 3, 2014

Next Time I'll Eat an Apple

When the doctor took me to a dank apartment and hooked me up to a machine, I had to ask, “Is this one of those death machines I’ve been hearing so much about?” The doctor looked around nervously. Sweat seemed to trickle from his forehead. Then he made a quick phone call where the doctor kept talking about some guy who was “on to them.” Then he came back and finally answered my question. “No,” he said. That was all I needed to hear.

Wednesday, May 16, 2012

Tales From the Underworld!!!

Two Demons are chatting at a Demon retreat.

DEMON #1: So then what happened?

DEMON #2: Well, then I took the guy out back and…(whispers) ripped out his heart.

DEMON #1: Why are you whispering? We are surrounded by demons.


VAMPIRE: Look, Count Dracula, I’ve brought you some fresh virginal blood.

DRACULA: Whoa, happy birthday to me!

VAMPIRE: Wait…it’s your birthday?

DRACULA: No, it’s an expression. (rolls eyes)


MAN: Thanks a lot, Evil Santa! You've ruined Christmas again.

EVIL SANTA: Bwohohohoho.


GHOST #1: What do you want to do tonight?

GHOST #2: I don’t know. Haunt someone?

GHOST #1: Ahhh!!!! You are such a bourgeois cliché!


ZOMBIE: Brains…brains…

ZOMBIE 2: ….Brains…brains…brains…

ZOMBIE 3: Actually, I think I’m going to hit the ol’ hot dog stand.

A company of hellish ghouls gather to hear Satan’s weekly speech. Satan enters, and the awful crowd hushes. Just as Satan is about to get to the podium, he trips on a chair, falls off the stage into the orchestra pit of hell. The crowd is stunned silent. Satan, though, recovers and bounces up, saying:

SATAN: Live from Hell, it’s Saturday night!

The crowd is confused.

SATAN: Oh, fuck you people. (Satan walks off)

Sunday, February 26, 2012


If I hear the term "wardrobe malfunction" one more time, I swear to God my penis will pop out.

Monday, July 4, 2011

Chairmen of the Board

Youtube comments for video “Guy wipes out on Skateboard LOL!”:

Hahaha! Wipeout!
Slamslam763 2 weeks ago

Ka-boom! Ohhhhman
LRODHubbard 2 weeks ago

The best part is when he crashed
Zeppelin3498 2 weeks ago

@Zeppelin3498 LMAO at no one doing anything after he crashes
zimmerhead 1 week ago

Guys this isn’t funny. This is my cousin and he’s in the hospital. He
shattered his tibia into pieces.
Sailin4Life 1 week ago

jwalk98 1 week ago

@Sailin4Life Get lost troll
zimmerhead 1 week ago

Slammmm!!! Ooohhhh gonna hurttt in the morning
Waynetreason 1 week ago

@Sailin4Life Boo-hoo!
Mellowfellow 1 week ago

Ouch! Guess he won’t be trying that again anytime soon LOL!
Duderamsey739 1 week ago

Really guys! I’m not a troll. The doctors said today that my cousin will
have an operation tomorrow but he may walk with a limp for the rest
of his life. Can someone please take this video down?
Sailin4Life 6 days ago

FU Sailin4Life!!!!!!
Sweetiepie98303  5 days ago

@Sailin4Life All I hear is blahblaha my cousin blahaha PUSSY!
Mellowfellow 4 days ago

Don’t take this video down. It’s hilaroois!!!!!
JohnLockeisJesus 4 days ago

No one listen to Sailin4Life
PantsAfire 3 days ago

This comment has received too many negative votes
Sailin4Life 2 days ago

A Likely Scenario

What if the Headless Horseman drove a public transit bus? It might go something like this:

HEADLESS HORSEMAN: That'll be $2.75 please.

MAN: (putting change into slot) Whoa, dude, you don't have a head.

HEADLESS HORSEMAN: I know. Crazy, right? By the way, I think you only put in $2.50.

MAN: How did you even get a job as a bus driver when you don't have a head?

HEADLESS HORSEMAN: I did well on the test. And the interview was good. Um, listen, about that extra twenty-five cents...

MAN: I mean, can you see the road? How can you drive?

HEADLESS HORSEMAN: It's actually not bad. I used to be a horseman. Now, listen, I'm serious. This bus isn't going to move unless you pay the full fare.

MAN: How are you even talking right now?

HEADLESS HORSEMAN: I can wait here all day.

Tuesday, May 11, 2010

Too Much Money

I considered yesterday that maybe I have too much money. As I was taking fistfuls of bills and throwing them up into the air and then shooting at them with my gun, I thought, do I have too much money? One time, I paid the world’s wealthiest man (who I could get on the phone) to spell out my full name across the entire continent of South America, using only hundred dollar bills from my bank account. And the worst part is, you can just barely make out my name from space. That was one time when I wondered out loud, is it possible I have too much money? There was a time when I paid big bucks to ride atop of an elephant whilst feeding the elephant stacks of my money. At that point, I think, I definitely had too much money. And also a drinking problem. The way the elephant was looking at me should have made me feel ashamed. Instead, I said, “I’m not feeding you all this money just to guilt trip me.” And the elephant then gave a look like I made a good point. Still, I think I realized that I really hit bottom just yesterday, when I took fistfuls of bills and threw them up in the air and then shot them with my gun. I probably should have ended with that instead of beginning with it. Still, that elephant thing was pretty good.

Saturday, May 1, 2010

Sink Your Teeth Into This

Was the weekly hockey game the wrong place to announce that I am on "Team Jacob"?  The vicious beating I received seems to indiciate that it was.

Sunday, April 25, 2010

What It Means To Me

I guess you could say we were like family, although we weren't actually related, and none of us looked like each other, and I didn't catch everyone's name, and it was difficult to understand what people were saying, because what language are you speaking?

Friday, April 23, 2010

TV Show Idea

A science fiction show set in the mid-west.  There is a hat in the local hat shop that, if you put it on, takes you back in time.  But no matter what time you land in, someone always makes fun of your hat.

Thursday, April 22, 2010

A Bad Day

JOCASTA: I don't believe what bad luck has befallen the Kingdom.  That you should be my husband but also my son.  What terrible circumstances!

OEDIPUS: Yes, terrible.  Just terrible.  Um, but, I gotta say, despite everything, I'm still kind of into it.  You know what I mean?


OEDIPUS: Well, granted, the situation is just plain bad luck.  Can't deny that.  Bad luck all around.  But the truth is, I'm kind of even more into it now.  Aren't you?

JOCASTA: No.  Not at all.  It's disgusting.

OEDIPUS: Right!  Of course.

JOCASTA: I mean, just think of it!  The womb from which you sprung is the same womb that you defile.  Repeatedly.  Every night for the past twelve years.

OEDIPUS: Yes.  (pause) And this doesn't appeal to you?


OEDIPUS: Of course not.  No.  Just checking.

JOCASTA: I mean, when I think of all the sex we had.  All the time.  Over and over again.  And then it turns out I'm your mother.

OEDIPUS: I think we have to stop talking about this.  So, what else is new?

JOCASTA: Hmmm...well.  Let me think.  Oh!  You know Haemonis?

OEDIPUS: Of course!  We just had a steam.

JOCASTA: Struck by lightning.




JOCASTA: Are you still thinking about sex?

OEDIPUS: Nnn-ye-no...wait, are you?

JOCASTA: I'm leaving.

OEDIPUS: Fine.  I gotta do something about these eyes.

Friday, April 2, 2010

A Plea

You may call my rants "crazed", but take a moment and ask yourself if you are actually thinking about the words I say or are you just distracted by this pile of garbage I sleep on?

Sunday, March 28, 2010

Hitler On Twitter


@goebels Way to not show up for the Czechoslovakia invasion.  check your facebook wall once in a while.
about 21 hours ago via web in reply to goebels


Can't get enough of Wagner!!!
2:27 AM March 21 via web


Just gave great speech at the Rhine.  Pretty sure someone yelled out "Shitler".
9:43 PM March 19 via web

Thursday, March 25, 2010

My Ambitions II

I have this secret wish and that is to have a piece of melon that wields so much power that I can go up to a large crowd of people and say, "Bow down and worship my melon" and they do!  This may sound silly to you, but the truth is, you will die someday.

Sunday, March 21, 2010

My Ambitions

I think that it is important to have your dreams.  My dream is finally going back to university to finish my undergraduate degree in Biophysics.  On graduation day, my parents will watch with admiration as I pick up my diploma from the Dean whose hand I will shake firmly and politely.  I will think, this is a moment that I will keep with me for the rest of my life.  But then I will look down and be horrified because I forgot my pants.  Where are my pants!!!??  I have that dream almost every night.  The scary part, though, is when I wake up from this dream and I look down and I'm STILL not wearing pants.  What the???

Saturday, March 20, 2010

A Giant Leap

NASA: Mr. Wilson, meet the men that will be travelling on the first ever space mission to the moon, Neil Armstrong and Buzz Aldrin.

WILSON: Gentlemen, it is my pleasure to meet you. As far as I’m concerned you are doing this country a tremendous service in taking part in what is surely to be either one of the most momentous moments in human history or the most tragic catastrophe ever to be witnessed on television.

Armstrong and Aldrin look at each other.

WILSON: Gentlemen, as the President of the insurance company that insures the life of all NASA employees, I have a few standard rudimentary questions for you. (looks down at sheet) First, are you familiar with all 48 policies in the NASA spacecraft safety act and would you be able to state them all if asked?

BOTH: Yes.

WILSON: When taking the spacecraft to the moon, will you refrain from horseplay such as towel snapping, chasing, and replacing the Tang with your own urine?

BOTH: Yes.

WILSON: Do you plan to wear your space helmets the entire time you are on the moon?

BOTH: Yes.

WILSON: In the event that you are being chased by moonrock throwing moon creatures, would you pick up moonrocks and throw them in defense or would you run back to the spacecraft screaming for your life and shut the door quickly?

NEIL: Um…probably throw moonrocks back.

BUZZ: Yeah. I would do that too.

WILSON: Okay. In the event that moon creatures are able to suction themselves onto your spacecraft with their suction-cup hands and are returning back to Earth with you, would either of you attempt to open up the spacecraft door in mid-flight and swat at them in hopes that they would fall off or leave out of frustration?

NEIL: Yes.

BUZZ: Absolutely.

WILSON: If you are on the moon and you find a cavernous moon cave and inside you come across what looks like some really expensive paintings, would you steal them so that you can make a large profit at a fancy art dealership on Earth?

NEIL: Yeah.

BUZZ: I think so, yes.

WILSON: Okay, but the art here is really heavy and hard to carry.

NEIL: Oh, well, then no.

WILSON: Would you consider having sex with a hideous space vixen?


WILSON: What if I removed the word ‘hideous’?

They both gradually capitulate.

WILSON: If you return back to Earth and find that it’s not the present day Earth but, rather, 14th Century Earth, would you attempt to get back to the 20th century or would you try to gradually settle into this world and explain your crazy moon ideas to a people who will deem you so insane that they will try and set you on fire for heresy?

BUZZ: Hmmm…

Buzz and Neil look at each other confused.

WILSON: Well, let’s skip that one for now. Neil, if Buzz was suffering from what scientists refer to as moon fever, would you shoot him even if he begged you and claimed that he didn’t actually have moon fever at all…

NASA: Um, Mr. Wilson, I can’t help but notice that none of the questions that you asked were on the preliminary list that your company sent me this morning.

WILSON: That’s because I’m not from the insurance company. (pulling a gun) I’m from the Soviet Space Program!

Scary music plays.

VOICE: Will Neil and Buzz ever make it to the moon? Tune in to next week’s episode of “Neil and Buzz’s Mission to the Moon” and find out!

Sunday, January 31, 2010

Harlequin Rejection Letter

Thank you for your submission to Harlequin Romance.  Unfortunately, we cannot accept your submission.  Some of the incidents in your manuscript do not entirely correspond to the usual standards of the typical Harlequin Romance novel.  Often, in more conventional stories, the central characters have a legitimate job, like "doctor" or "humble tycoon".  Your central character, Ben, despite being "rich like a royal flush" seems to do nothing other than drive around aimlessly and occasionally push someone down the stairs.  It's not quite clear how Ben meets Alison but it seems they are at some kind of illegal dog fight which, to be honest, threw us for a loop.  Also, we think that Alison should charm Ben on the first date by cooking his favourite meal for dinner rather than giving him a "Hot Carl" while he watches Scarface.  We were surprised too that when Ben feels pleasure, you describe his groin as being "hotter than dog shit in a skillet".  This really took us out of the mood and we found it difficult to see the romantic nature of this encounter.  At any rate, while we feel elements of your story show a great deal of creativity (particularly the well drawn illustrations that are currently under investigation) it is just not the right project for us at this time.  Keep reading Harlequin!

Yours truly,
Judy Nightingale

Monday, January 18, 2010

Full of Pep Talk

CAPTAIN: I'm going to be honest with you men.  We face a difficult battle today.  Quite possibly the most difficult battle of our lives.  The enemy that we are about to fight have spent the past few months preparing and training for this day, while we have spent most of that time gambling.  They have state of the art weapons and technology, while our guns have gone missing.  They have the kind of comraderie and brotherhood that we, with our hurtful namecalling and bizarre hazing rituals, could only ever dream of.  They also do not suffer from the kind of drug induced schizophrenia that many of you have been afflicted with ever since that party at my house.  Most of all, they have gumption, and I have yet to find out what that even means.  The important thing for you to take away here though is this: the title of "Captain" is not just something I won in a card game.  It is also my real first name!  I just thought you all should know that.

Thursday, January 14, 2010

Bloody Neighbours!

My neighbours told me that they were going to pray for my soul, which I thought was a sweet gesture given that I had just driven over their son.